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The top ten highlights of UKIP's manifesto... Open in fullscreen

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The top ten highlights of UKIP's manifesto...

UKIP promises voters an 'Independence Day' [Getty Images]

Date of publication: 25 May, 2017

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UKIP brings you their manifesto - a guide for a stronger, safer Britain that includes burqa bans and vaginal tests

While most parties paused their national campaigning after the horrific attack in Manchester, UKIP decided to push ahead with the launch of its manifesto on Thursday.

We read it so you don't have to. We're good like that. Here are some of the highlights:

1. Ensuring all women receive an equal amount of Vitamin D - by banning the burqa

In a thoroughly thoughtful move, UKIP proposes to ban the burqa and niqab, because after all, they would not want anyone to be disadvantaged by the manifest benefits of direct sunlight.

Ignoring the fact that the science is not particularly accurate - humans do not "take in" vitamin D, rather they produce it in the skin through a reaction dependent on UVB radiation; it is nice to know how much in stock UKIP puts by the well-being of Muslim women.

2. Beekeepers are safe

In case you were wondering, beekeepers are exempt from the full face-covering ban. After all, as their deputy chair Suzanne Evans clarified, their faces are "completely visible".

3. Climate change - 'the greatest lie in science'

UKIP declares it will repeal the 2008 Climate Change Act because it has "no basis in science". That is always good to know - especially coming from the experts who have studied the effects of Vitamin D.

4. Vaginal inspections

In its noble attempt to crackdown on Female Genital Mutilation, UKIP is taking a slightly unconventional route by promising to implement a screening programme for "girls identified to be at risk"(no prizes for guessing who they may be) - from birth to 16 - consisting of annual physical check-ups.

Girls returning to the UK from countries where FGM is known to be customary will also be subjected to additional "check-ups".

5. The missing paper cup


UKIP calls out Starbucks for making tons of profit by selling coffee in paper cups… but uses an image that looks suspiciously like a proper cup.

6. Banning upsetting material

"Once we have left the EU, we will not allow the EU flag to be flown from public buildings," promises the manifesto. We would not want to be reminded of the prosperous days of profitable free trade perhaps; some might find it too unsettling.

7. A glorious Independence Day

We will declare 23rd June Independence Day and make it a bank holiday.

Sure, extra bank holidays are always a good thing, and anyway, it is simply not fair that everyone else has one. We want one too.

8. Go blue or go home

UKIP promises to meet the demands of the people and will begin by tackling pressing concerns, which include calling back all burgundy passports and replacing them with blue ones.

9. The 'British' Test

UKIP promises to test the social attitudes of migration applicants

Before deciding to come to the UK, please ensure you are fully aware of British social attitudes. These include saying sorry when someone bumps into you and not maintaining eye contact with anyone on public transport.

10. Solid facts

UKIP quotes the "Trojan horse scandal", describing how Islamists almost succeeded in taking over several schools in Birmingham - and promises to be vigilant. A worthy promise if the council investigation had not found the "scandal" to have "no basis".

What are your highlights? Let us know @the_newarab

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